AresJoxerCupidStrife - Hergerbabe

Title: Itís Been Awhile
Author: Hergerbabe
Fandom: Xena/Herc
Pairing: C/S mostly implied
Rating: R?
Category: songfic, angst
Notes: Response to Christineís Songfic Challenge (#3)
Archive: AJCSfic
Disclaimer: All things Xena are not mine, moreís the pity, song lyrics belong to Staind, no money made
Summary: Strifeís death has affected Cupid badly
For Christine, for the wonderful challenge and beta

Itís Been Awhile

ĎItís been awhile, since I could hold my head up high. And itís been awhile, since I first saw you.í

I remember when I first saw you. I was ready to resent you, hate you. I was so pissed when they took Mischief from me. Said I caused too much trouble, but at least it was tempered by Love. They werenít thinking too clearly with you, if they wanted less trouble.

Dad made me come and see you, he was as proud as if you were his own son. I remember being surprised that you werenít bawling your head off, but you were quiet, sitting in Discordís arms, watching, probably planning mischief even then.

Your beautiful, blue eyes latched onto me and I was a goner. Iíll never understand why, or how, Eris could give you up, but I was perfectly happy with Dad raising you, I had plenty of excuses to see both of you.

I loved watching you grow up, sometimes I even thought of you as my own kid. I donít think I ever told you how much you brought to my life.

ĎItís been awhile, since I could stand on my own two feet again. And itís been awhile, since I could call you.í

You grew up so fast and after receiving your full Godhood, our relationship changed. We were best friends, worked together, when you werenít working for Dad.

I never realised just how much I relied on you just being in my life. I never realised it would be so hard not to see you everyday, not to be able to just call you, for whatever reason.

Iím managing now, just. But youíll never know how much I miss you. How much I ache to hear your voice, to see your eyes light up with joy at a new plan. How hollow life is without your laughter.

ĎBut everything I canít remember, as fucked up as it all may seem. The consequences that are rendered, Iíve stretched myself beyond my means.í

I think Mom and Dad were getting worried at one point. I spent so much time going over every moment we were together trying not to lose myself in my one regret. It was my own fault, but I was so lost in the moment.

Iíll never know what it meant to you. Did I break your heart? I broke mine.

ĎItís been awhile, since I could say, that I wasnít addicted and, itís been awhile since I could say I love myself as well.í

I hated myself for a long time, tortured myself with imagining that Iíd hurt you as badly as Iíd hurt myself. I donít cry myself to sleep every night anymore. I donít wake up every morning thinking about when Iím going to see you, and cry when I remember I canít. Not every day.

I still sleep with Stinky, every night. I remember giving him to you when you were still a baby. Was I the only one who knew he was still hidden in your bed? If I close my eyes and really concentrate I can still smell you on him.

ĎAnd itís been awhile, since Iíve gone and fucked things up, just like I always do. And itís been awhile, but all this shit seems to disappear when Iím with you.í

I still wonder, if things had been different, would you be gone now. Would you have gone with Dad? The night we had together is not my one regret. Iíll always cherish that, the one memory I have of being completely happy.

It was the most beautiful night of my life, we were as one, moving together in silent perfection. You took my breath away. No, that is not my one regret. The silence is what I regret. I didnít say anything, I didnít tell you how much you meant to me. And in the morning, you were gone.

And itís so hard, knowing so much was left unsaid. And youíre not here. You were the one I could talk to, about anything. You are the one I need to talk to. Even if it hadnít meant the same to you, I know youíd still manage to make things okay.

ĎBut everything I canít remember, as fucked up as it all may seem. The consequences that Iíve rendered, Iíve gone and fucked things up again. Why must I feel this way? Just make this go away, just one more peaceful day.í

Where did it all go so wrong? How did I manage to fuck up so spectacularly?

And I canít get over it, canít let go. Iíve tried, but mostly I donít want to. Youíre dead, how can I be happy? But sometimes, I wish I could just stop thinking, feeling, just stop.

I know youíd probably slap me upside the head if you were here and tell me to be happy. To think of Bliss, Dad, Mom. I love them, I really do. Bliss would make you laugh. Heís growing up so fast, I almost donít want him to. He still remembers you, you know.

ĎItís been awhile, since I could look at myself straight, and itís been awhile since I said Iím sorry.í

I couldnít stand my own company for a long time, but I couldnít stand being around anyone else either. Very few people mourned you, but then, very few people knew you.

I donít know what was worse, being with people who forgot you at the drop of a hat or with those who grieved. None of them knew, none of them know, just how much it shattered me when you died.

Iím so sorry, for not telling you what you meant to me.

ĎAnd itís been awhile, since Iíve seen the way the candle lights your face. And itís been awhile, but I can still remember just the way you taste.í

I remember the nights we used to spend together, chatting, laughing. Confiding in each other. You would curl up next to me, lay your head on my chest.

I loved the way you looked in the candlelight, in shorts and undershirt, instead of your leathers. They kept you from looking otherworldly, untouchable.

And then, that night, I finally couldnít hold it back, couldnít resist any longer. I kissed you. You looked at me so seriously, before you kissed me back. Iíve never had heart-stopping fear turn to heart-stopping joy so fast.

I can still taste you. Taste your lips, mouth, pale skin. I can still feel you, can still feel my skin tingle everywhere you touched me. Still feel your soft skin under my fingers. I can still feel you inside me, so gentle, so sweet.

But itís your face that I will always remember best. The way your eyes locked with mine, the vulnerability and beauty of your climax.

ĎBut everything I canít remember, as fucked up as it may seem to be, I know itís me. I cannot blame this on my father, he did the best he could for me.í

I never blamed Dad, I know he was trying to help us all, I know he didnít realise what would happen. I still see the pain in his eyes everyday. A small part of him died with you.

He tried to be there for me, but he didnít know. So he never understood the depth of my sorrow. Never understood quite how much of me died with you.

ĎItís been awhile, since I could hold my head up high, and itís been awhile, since I saidÖ Iím sorry.í

Iíll never forgive myself, and Iíll never, ever forget, but Iím just about living again. I hope you forgave me.

Iím so sorry Strife, for not saying, I love you.

the end

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