AresJoxerCupidStrife - Mistress


TITLE: Smile
SERIES: Songs of the Moment
AUTHOR: Mistress
CHARACTER: Joxer & Ares
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in the story or the song, I am
making no money off of this
DESCRIPTION: Um...just read
ARCHIVE: Tracy...of course...anyone else...ask
NOTES: Just so every one is on the same page here..this is not a happy
story. In fact I need to put a warning on it. WARNING: Mention of
self mutilation and depression.
Ok there is the warning...now also I would like to say that though this
is in the series Songs for the Moment...it is really not a series...it's
more a compilation of song fics...so they could be happy happy fics or
dark fics depending on what the song calls for...just so you know they
don't actually go in order or are a continuation...just a collection of
song fics...that's all...ok..well..ENJOY...sorta

No one really know's me. No one really see's me. THey don't see past
what I show them, and the sad part is is they don't care to look harder.
But then, if they did see what was really there, I don't think I could
handle the pity. Because I know that's what they would feel. Pity for
me that I don't need. So I don't let them see and I don't tell them the
truth.

Because they would hate me. They would be disgusted and scared. And
there would be pity. I've seen it before, it's always the same. They
wouldn't understand, they would even try to. And I wouldn't blame them.
Because it scares me. Because it disgust's me. But it's still there.
I still do it. It's still part of who I am. A part of me that I can
never show them.

Sometimes it surprises me. The fact that they haven't seen it. That I
can hide it so well. Maybe it's years of practice. Maybe I've just
gotten better at it. Maybe they just don't care. I don't know. No
matter the reason, it doesn't matter to me. Just so long as they only
see what I want them to. Just so long as I can get by and show them
what I want. And I'll continue to smile.
-----------
Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
Though there are clouds in the sky, you get by
------------
I'll smile through everything, just so they don't see. Just so they
won't see how deep their words hurt. Deeper than any knife, any cut.
I'll smile through the insults and degradation. I'll smile through the
pain and heart ache. I'll smile when it hurts so they don't see my
tears. They don't deserve them.

And when I'm alone, I'll cry. I cry so hard I don't think I can stop.
I'll cry and sob and they'll hever see it. Because I know how to
control it. Thank Callisto, thank Jett, thank my father. They all
showed me how to disguise the pain, how to accept it, embrace it. I
know how to deal when it all becomes to much.

Shallow, never deep. Just enough to sting, not enough to scar. To mask
the pain in my chest with actual stinging heat, so that it doesn't take
over and consume me. Just shallow enough to bring blood to the surface.
Slowly. Never enough to kill. A reminder that I'm still alive. An
ache that travels with me as a constant. Feeling it all day long. And
I'll continue to smile.
------------
If you smile through your fears and sorrows
Smile, and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
------------
So you see, they can never really hurt me. Because they don't know me.
No one does. And they never will. They'll never see the pain, they'll
never see my soul. Because they don't deserve to know, and they
wouldn't understand. No one can. Because I continue to smile.
------------
If you just light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever, ever so near
------------
Pale skin glowed in the light of a small single fire. The fire wasn't
meant to warm, nothing could. He was cold, always cold. The fire could
turn to a blaze and he still wouldn't feel it. There was only one thing
he felt. Cold. The cold of the small blade in his hand. The cold of
the merciless metal gently slicing through pale marked skin. Like a
lovers touch. Barely ghosting, caressing. Like flicks of a tongue on
an erotic path down a loved ones body.

Small rivellettes of blood trickled down his chest, but they didn't
matter. He would clean himself of all the blood, it would wash away.
But the cuts would last. They would stay days, aching as they healed.
A reminder, a distraction, a cover for his own real pain. It was focus,
and he could concentrate on the small hurts so the big ones wouldn't
over whelm him. And he could continue to smile.
------------
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
------------
Dark sad eye's watched the ritual silently. He couldn't take his eye's
off the man. He couldn't turn away from the pain, and he wanted to. He
wanted to ignore it. He wanted to pretend it didn't matter. Because
then he could leave and forget. He could ignore the pain in his hest.
He could ignore his own mind's protests to help.

But he couldn't. This man was haunted by demons so dark they even
scared him. THey terrified him. And yet this fragile man withstood
them, lived with them and dealt with them. But to deal like this. To
hurt and cut such beautiful, ivory skin, to mar his own body. He didn't
want to watch but he couldn't turn away. He could never turn away.

And every time he watched, he remained silent. And it ripped his heart
out. How could this, this mortal affect him so. Maybe because he could
see into his soul and he could understand. Maybe because he hurt so
badly. He should have fallen, he should have given up a long time ago
but he didn't. He still fought and he still lived. And he still
smiled.
------------
You'll find life is still worth while
If you just smile, come on and smile
------------
Silent sad eye's watched as he walked to beaten path. He endured
insults, glares and silence. All with a smile. But his eye's. You
could see it in his eye's. But they didn't care to look. They took him
at face value and never bothered to look beyond. If they had just seen
it. If they only knew. Only understood. And for one second he
considered...but no. 'He' didn't want them to know, so he had no right
to tell.

But he would keep his silent vigil. He would watch and he would grieve
and he would cry out his pain when the man couldn't. And he would never
tell anyone he knew. He would never tell him that he watched and
understood his pain. No, he would stay silent and he would watch. He
would watch and he smiled.
------------
If you just smile
------------

The End


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