AresJoxerCupidStrife - Xandria

Title: Ohmigosh! They killed the plotbunny! Those Bastards!
Author: Xandria
Rating: NC 17+
Fandom: Xena
Feedback: Yeah baby!
Pairing: Ares/Joxer, Cupid/Strife,
Spoilers: Ya gotta be kidding, right?
Summary: A badfic, sillyfic, stupidfic, crossover, MarySue brainstrom
thingy. Proof positive of my sig line, folks!
Dedication: To Hergerbabe, for Life Sucks but Love's great, to Scorpio
for Husband, to Christine{&HB again} for Opposites Attract and One
Step closer, to Corona for Making Connections and the authors of other
great stories like Dancing up a Storm, Down in Hades, Rest and
Restitution, Mortality Sucks, and also Scribe and JB and Shamenka and
Brandy and the RR guys at rock! And to Beth and Avid reader
for being such a great feedbackers. :)
Archive: Heh. You think I want proof of my insanity put in a permanent
record somewhere? I'd want a hefty bribe then…
Disclaimers: Other people own them all (Sob!) Renaissance Pictures and
all that have them. I own nothing, except for a clarinet that needs to
be repaired and a 25 year old car whose value is the same as the cost
of repairing my clarinet. Which means my total assets come to nothing,
nada, zero, zilch.

Ares scowled as he winked out of sight in a blaze of dark light. Joxer
sighed and quivered as he stared at the big bad hunk of War's former
place on the ground.

Getting lost in a daydream of himself, Ares, and a bunch of carrots,
only the shrill voice of the harpy, no, harridan, no, bitch, no,
amazon, Gabrielle, brought him back to earth.

"Joxer!" she screeched, twisting his nose. "How dare you stand over
here where I have to look at you!" Hitting him on his head with her
bashing stick, she flounced off. Xena, Warrior Princess, {Princess of
what? A horse and a nag?} licked her lips and watched her bounce.

"Don't wait up, Joxer, I'm" And she lurched,
no, lumbered, no, leapt after her little bitch, no, harpy, no,
harridan, with only a very little drooling.

Sitting on a rock, Joxer sighed and tears came to his eyes.

"Everyone's getting some but me!" he said.

"Me too, Dude" Cupid, God of Love, hunk, handsome blonde, said as he
wavered into sight. "Psycho's gone for good. Left me for Salmoneous."



"Hey, if we both want it, why don't we...nah." Joxer said. Perking up
at the thought of a shag, a bit of humpty tumpty, nudge nudge, wink
wink, say no more, Cupid smiled so brightly Apollo saw it and got
jealous as he'd spent hours on his sun chariot's wheels and it wasn't
as good. Pissed, he went home to sulk, accidentally causing an eclipse
in Rome.

But as this story is set in Greece, nobody knew or cared, except for
those annoying Roman soothsayers who began to follow Julius Caesar
around muttering about it being nearly the Ides of March and why
wasn't he dead yet? They ended up having to bribe Brutus to kill him,
who by then was quite happy to do so. But this has nothing to do with
the story here of course.

"Sex?" Cupid said, looking deep into the Mighty warrior's eyes. So
deep, he almost fell in. Joxer, in a panic, jumped up.

"Sex?! No, no, I was gonna say, lets try that new dating agency!"
Cupid frowned for a minute, then smiled again, even brighter than
before. Apollo, made by Zeus to "get out there now or face Daddy's
scepter in a whole new way, dammit" nearly turned around again for a
bit of judicious sulking and thumbsucking. Only the thought of Zeus's
scepter placed where even he couldn't get his chariot to shine stopped
him. Making a mental note to ask Cupid what he used to brush his
teeth, he carried on.

"Hey yeah, good idea!"

A few minutes later they arrived at the dating agency. A short,
pretty, {Mum says I am and this is me, for my Mary Sue part},
overweight {see, I can be honest in my self description though the
weight is going down} said in a high, nasally {imagine a soprano with
adenoids} voice.

"Welcome to Xan's Den of iniquity and Dating Service, how may
I...hubba hubba!" Not having looked up till now, Xan drooled at the
sight before her. Two perfect specimens of manflesh, one pale as the
moon, large, cow brown eyes soulfully gazing at her while wearing an
iconoclastic designer suit of the Hephaestian line. {So I still hold
with the theory Hephy made his armour while drunk. It protects Joxer,
doesn't it?}

The second example of manflesh was covered in large, quivering
muscles, no shirt, glowing blonde hair and a tan that would make Worf
jealous. {Think about it, Cupe's tan would make anyone jealous. Unless
of course, you're worried about the skin cancer thing, because then
you'd look at him and hope he didn't get melanoma later in life.}

"Well, hellooo, cuties! What would two amazingly good looking studs
like you need with this service?"

"We ain't getting some and we want it." Joxer explained, smiling
brightly. Apollo, seeing that even a mortal outshone his wheels,
screamed in frustration, inadvertently causing a muse to shriek into
the ear of a musician and starting the birth of hardcore rock and roll
a couple of millennia too early.

Well, it would have if his first song hadn't caused the village to
rise up and beat him very hard with his instrument, putting it in the
end in a place that Apollo couldn't find it. He never played again,
running screaming away if anyone even mentioned music.

"Pardon?" I, whoops, Xan I mean, said. Looking dreamily at the two
dreamboats in front of her, she found it hard to believe. The
quivering muscles, the long legs, the tight behinds! She just knew
that their salami was of the right cut!

"Sex!" Cupid said throatily. And what a lovely throat it was, too.

"If you insist," Xan murmured, and began to take off her clothes.

"No, not now! We want someone to do it with!" Cupid said hastily.

"Yeah. Mr Hand is getting lonely!"

"Oh, okay then. Male, female, or both?" The two stunning examples of
manly flesh, looked at each other then spoke in unison.


"Right. You want the good, the bad, or the ugly?" Again in unison,
they answered.


"Mortal, Immortal or Godly? We have a special on the Horsemen at the
moment? Four for the price of two. Just watch out for Caspian, though,
if he offers to eat you, he means it literally!"

"I prefer godly."

"Me too."

"Okay then, we have four candidates here. Are you into pain?"


"Yes! Some!" Joxer amended at the strange look Cupid gave him.

"Right then. Deimos and Kronos should really get together I think
instead then. Yeah, he's paired with Methos, so that's good."

"Um…excuse me, Miss?"


"I wish to make a complaint."


"This parrot is dead."

"Pardon?" Xan said.

"Oops, wrong story. Can we get on with it?"

"I am! So, you both want a godly bad boy, but aren't into pain,
really. What about terror?"


"I don't think so. I don't think I can be scared anymore after seeing
Gabby first thing in the mornings." Joxer said with a shudder.

"Okay, so much for Phobos. Oh, I know the perfect match for him!
Beetlejuice has been on the books for way too long now. Well, studs,
er, sirs, that leaves you two choices. Ares and Strife."

"I call Ares!" Joxer said quickly. Cupid stared at him.

His Dad? Sex? Ewwww!

"Good, cause I want Strife!"

"Cool. Mischief! War! Get your hunkly asses down here, boys! I found
some new toys for you!"

In a flash of light, both gods appeared. Ares took one look at Joxer
and beamed, grabbing him and holding him tight.

"Oh Xan, how wonderful! A mighty Warrior of my very own! I shall hug
him and squeeze him and call him George!"

"The things I do for sex!" Joxer managed to say before Ares took him

Strife stared at Cupid. Cupid stared at Strife. They looked into each
other's eyes. Moving slowly to one another, they touched.

"Yow!" "Ouch!" they said and jumped back.

"Sorry guys. New carpet." Xan said with a shrug. Glaring at her, they
disappeared to continue their discussion elsewhere.

Xan sighed, and began to write, busily.

"Excuse me? Miss?" Xan looked up.

Meanwhile, back at the Ranch, er Ares, place, Joxer and the big Bad
hunkly God of war were in bed together.

"Oh wow, that's huge!" Joxer gasped.

"It is, isn't it, Ares said, pleased.

"How do you…?"

"like this…"

"…Ooooo…oh…my…that's the biggest…tallywhacker!…I have ever seen!"

"…Ain't it great?…You…have a pretty good sized…pumping iron…yourself."


"Uh!" Slurpppp. Slurpppp.

Squeak. Bounce. Thud! Bounce. Slurpppp. Thud! Bounce. Thud!

Bounce bounce. Thud! Slurpppp Bounce bounce. Thud! Squeak.

Bouncebouncebouncebouncebounce Slurpppp

Bouncebouncebouncebouncebouncebouncebouncebouncebouncebounce. Squeak.
Thud! Thud!

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Slurpppp Thud! Bounce. Thud! Bounce. Thud!

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeh!" Squeak. Slurpppp. Bounce. Thud!

"…oh…my little baked bean…make that huge baked bean…"

"…yes, my darling mangherkin?…"

And at the other Ranch, I mean, Cupids' temple.

"Oh Cupe, yer eyes are like deep pools of blue-green algae, your hair
shines like Unc's blade after battle and yer face…a guy could look
into it fer eternity and nevah evah surrender, oops, get tired a
looking." Strife said with a sigh, his own cerulean blue eyes limpid
with the joy of looking at his best beloved.

"Wow, Strife, that's beautiful. I think. You, you, you are so
beautiful, to me, cant you see, you're everything I hopped for, you're
everything I need, you are so beautiful to me…" Cupid gazed back,
overjoyed at finding the one.

And the idea of finally having sex once more, too!


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